A little about me:

• Once nicknamed “a legit walking potato” by friends—and honestly, fair.

• Passing kidney stones like it’s an Olympic sport and I’m going for gold.

• The only way to get me on the football field as a kid was a Snickers bribe.

• Formative childhood memory: arm stuck in a soda machine at West Point. Character-building, apparently.

• Currently living out my Jersey Shore reality show dreams—minus the GTL (for now).